The Intervention
by SmithTwins
Summary: Our three favorite assassins (and Desmond) walk in on an intervention for them. Modern AU written for Psychology class.


"Why did you attack that person?" Connor Kenway said, walking into the house with Ezio Auditore da Firenze.

"I did not attack that person he attacked me," Ezio said in reply.

"But you ran at him," Connor replied.

"No I did not just put your coat on the rack." Ezio said, putting his coat on the rack.

While Connor puts his coat away as well, he hit his toe on the rack. "Dang it!" he shouted very loudly before throwing the rack across the room.

"Um… dude you okay?" Ezio asked.

"No I am not okay!" Connor said.

"Connor, calm down, alright? You didn't lose a toe." He said back.

"I'd rather throw the rack than attack you, Ezio. I know if I hit you I would have gotten beat." Connor said.

"Well that is true but the ra…" Ezio stops in the middle of his sentence because he heard someone else in the room.

Clay Kaczmarek was sitting down on the couch, talking to a plant. "Hello, Mr. Plant, how are you today?"

Ezio and Connor just look at each other, very astonished. In the back corner there were three people standing there talking until one heard Ezio start speaking. "EZIO!" the one guy shouted as he ran towards Ezio and gave him a hug. "What are you doing here Ezio? I hate you and don't want you here." the odd man said.

"This is my house, Leonardo, so please get off me." Ezio replied back.

One guy in the back stood there talking to the other guy. "I don't need help, I'm just here for your moral support." He says while patting his shoulder.

Connor noticed Haytham in the back corner and yelled at him. "DAD! What are you doing here? I don't want you here!"

"Well I didn't want to be here anyways." Haytham replied, back rolling his eyes.

Before anything else could be said, the door opened again, revealing Altair. "Ugh, I just can't stand Desmond!" He yelled, "He's is just too annoying!"

"What did he do this time Altair?" Ezio asked.

"He's just standing outside, ranting about how his dad never gave him enough hugs as a child!" Altair answered.

"So, what are you going to do about it?" Connor asked curiously.

"I'm going to go work on my swimming later," Altair said.

Malik only stared at him. "...Novice," he muttered.

"I heard that!" Altair said.

"Altair, where did you go? I wasn't done talking!" Desmond whined as he busted into the room.

"Oh, hey Desmond." Ezio said, still trying to get Leonardo off him.

"Hi Dessy," Connor said as well.

"Hello guys. So, Altair, back to what I was saying about my dad," Desmond said.

"Um, maybe another time," Altair said quickly, really not wanting to hear anything Desmond had to say.

"Okay guys, time to get this session started," Clay said. "Take a seat."

"What are you talking about? What session?" Ezio asked. He had finally gotten Leonardo to let go of him.

"The intervention... you people are just crazy." Clay answered.

"Says the guy who was talking to a plant," Connor said.

"Shhhh! Mr. Plant has feelings and she also has a name!" Clay said.

"Yeah, sure it does," Altair said condescendingly.

"Let's just get this over with you guys," Haytham said.

"Yeah, it's for the best guys," Leonardo added. "You all are a little crazy."

"So says the person who wouldn't stop hugging me for ten minutes," Ezio said.

"Hey! I only hug you because I hate you!" Leonardo argued defensively.

"I'm starting to get scared and homesick, so can we please hurry this up?" Desmond said, holding his blanket.

"Where did you even get that blanket?" Altair questioned. "You know what? Never mind, I really don't want to know."

"Okay enough chit-chatting. Come, take a seat, will you? Mr. Plant and I have plans later." Clay said sternly.

Ezio, Connor, Altair, and Desmond only gave him a strange look. "You have plans... with a plant?..."

"I don't even want to know what those plans might be," Haytham said.

"Well, I wasn't going to tell you," Clay said back.

"Well, I didn't want to know anyway," Haytham said back.

"I swear, you guys are all too weird," Malik said, forcing Altair to sit down. "I really don't see why I have to be here. I'm completely normal."

"If you are so normal, what happened in fifth grade, Malik?" Altair said to Malik.

"How should I know? I don't remember fifth grade," Malik responded.

"See! You repressed it." Altair said.

Malik only sat down, refusing to reply to that.

"Ooh! Ezio! Sit next to me, since I hate you so much!" Leonardo said excitedly.

"Why would you want me to sit by you if you hate me that much?"Ezio replied.

"Um, well... Because I despise you with every fiber of my being?" Leonardo said.

"Yeah, sure, that's really what it is." Ezio said while sitting down.

"Whatever, I'm just gonna sit down and get this whole intervention thing over with." Connor said.

"Do you need me to hold your hand while you do that son?" Haytham said.

"No Dad, I'm not five anymore." Connor replied.

"Well I didn't want to hold your hand anyways." Haytham said sitting down disappointed.

Desmond stared for a few seconds. "Wait... There's no more seats!"

"Looks like you're going to have stand, now aren't you?" Ezio said sarcastically.

"Or you could sit indian-style on the floor," Connor offered.

"Criss-cross apple sauce" Leonardo added.

"You guys suck," Desmond muttered, taking a seat on the floor.

"Not as bad as you," Altair said under his voice.

Desmond glared. "What was that?"  
"Come on guys, me and Mr. Plant need to get out of here soon. So let's get this over with." Clay said.

"Fine," Ezio relented. "So what 'problems' do we have anyway?"

"You blame others for things you do," Clay said to Ezio. "Connor, you take you frustration out in negative ways. Altair, you put your anger into a different goal. Leonardo…"

"Hey! I'm not getting the intervention!" Leonardo yelled. "I'm only supposed to be here as moral support!"

"Anyways, Leonardo, you have a problem saying the opposite of what you really think." Clay kept going. "Desmond, you act like a child every time you are either stressed, sad, or even angry."

"I do not!" Desmond said, clutching his baby blanket.

"Malik, you deny everything that is said." Clay still speaking, "Haytham, you seem to not know what you want."

"That's not true!" Malik said.

"Yeah it is, Malik" Altair said.

"I do know what I want," Haytham said indignantly.

"Really? What would that be?" Connor asked.

"Stuff, I just don't want to tell any of you," Haytham replied.

"He doesn't know what he wants." Ezio said.

"Yeah, and I fail to see how I take out my anger in 'negative ways,' much less why my moral support is a bunch of crazy people," Connor said.

They all looked at the coat rack on the floor across the room. "I wonder why you take your anger you negatively. Also, I agree why do we have to have this intervention if we are not helping one another? It's just making things worse."

"Well, Mr. Plant and I thought this was for the best, but if you really don't want our help, then we'll just be on our way. Come on Mr. Plant," Clay said, picking up the potted plant and walking out the door.

"And he says we are crazy. Okay everyone, the intervention is over. Now out of my house!" Ezio said loudly.

"But I don't want to go," Leonardo said, "I hate you so I wanna stay…"

"You especially need to get out!" Ezio said to Leonardo pointing to the door.

"Aw…" Leonardo sadly left the house.

"Look at the time, I'm late for my swimming lessons," Altair said leaving. "Thank you for your help guys, it didn't help at all."

"Any time, Altair," Connor said, leaving as well.

"Well, I didn't want to even be here, so I'm leaving." Haytham said, slowly walking out.

Desmond looked at Malik, "Will you walk me home please?"

"Why can't you walk home by yourself?" Malik said.

"Because it's getting dark outside," Desmond pointed out.

"Fine, let's go," Malik sighed and started walking out. "Thanks for your time, Ezio. I didn't need it, but thank you.

"No problem, you're just going to make yourself forget about it anyway," Ezio replied.

"Wait up Malik!" Desmond said chasing Malik.

Once everyone was gone, Ezio gave a sigh of relief. "Finally, some peace and quiet. Time to play Assassin's Creed!"


End file.
